Being trained as an engineer I have been living so far in the quest for the perfect mathematical life model: a simple one, with few variables and some magic formulas than can constrain the uncertainties of the future into a pre-defined range with small and controlled variability. A scheme derived by the example of my parents: get a degree, get a job, get married and breed a family, buy a home and grow your capital, take two-three weeks vacation in expensive resorts (didn’t you deserve it?), etc, etc.
Not surprisingly at all, the company I work for granted me the requested two months’ leave of absence with no pay, no medical coverage, no accruals for seniority, or yearly bonuses. As said, this was already expected but it’s quite a hard impact to face the reality in front of a Letter of Undertaking.
The fear of losing financial income is similar to other fundamental fears which dig deeply inside our stability controls. In a way is similar to the fear of the dark, or the fear of death. It’s all about the loss of reassurance of the future to be exactly as it is now. It adds a few levels of complication into the perfect life model…..
But, is this not exactly what am I trying to do? Is it not an attempt to allow some higher level of uncertainty in the plan and be ready to accept my future for what it is and when it is?
A true change cannot be faced in total comfort, and the challenge now is to replace stability and trust in the future in a financially comfortable condition with stability and trust based on a higher confidence level on my own character in all conditions. Again no formulas are available, only some pain, lot of time and a few smiles.
Using commercial blog portals is easy, effective and convenient. So should have felt most other users that before me attempted to find a name for the homepage to synthetically evoke a seductive wealth of content promises…most of the names that I wanted were already taken.
Sometimes even simple obstacles like this one are placed across our way for a reason. Most of the times our initial choices are simply not good enough, and the hurdles are only a memento to always try harder. Again, time is the worst advisor and I had to fight the initial reaction to compromise for a quick result.
I brewed another coffee and sat outside in the porch observing the world walk by. I had to take more time dig further inside me as to what this walking experience is true to me.
The idea was still to connect somehow the concepts of “life in motion” (i.e. ageing) with ” journey”. After not long, the intuition of using “Pilgrim” instead of “Explorer”, or “Wanderer” or even “Adventurer” came out quite strong, and I checked “lifepilgrim”….
The positive response flashing in green under the proposed name told me that there was more than the choice of a name in the game. I moved on, much later than what I wanted originally, but with a lot of more inner satisfaction.
Today is March 24th, 2012 at 11:46 GMT+8.
Yesterday I have disclosed to my employer the intention to take a 8 weeks sabbatical leave in occasion of my 60th birthday.
I have done the first step of my commitment. The practical aspects to delegate some of my work duties to another colleague shall make part of the learning of the ‘letting go’ process, and to truly trust others. All step programs initiate with an act of acceptance of our own limitations, that no-one is indispensable and no-one is almighty. The remission of my work to another person will be the first step of my detachment journey.
Today I am also experiencing the start of a blog for the first time.